Why Are They Always Testing Our Limits? A Parenting Article by Love and Logic

I wanted to share a parenting email I received today from Love and Logic.  It fit my evening so well, as I walked into our home after a full day of work, only to find the crockpot meal I had so carefully prepared early this morning be the subject of a major meltdown (i.e. someone forgot to take out the mushrooms before serving it to the kids!).  Sometimes we need to remember to step back to look at the big picture- this little lesson helped me remember that.  Enjoy!

Are They Always Testing the Limits?
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic^® Experts

Dear Trisha,

 

Tammy glowed with excitement, rushing up to me minutes before the conference began.

 

"I made the greatest connection about why you teach us to neutralize our kids' arguing and begging. Even though I got good at saying, 'So what did I say?' And even though it worked well, I was still upset that I had to use it frequently. I kept thinking that if I just did it the right way, my own kids would just accept the limits I set for them. It irritated me that they would test the limits more than the kids in my classroom."

 

"So tell me about the connection," I said.

 

"I was listening to you and Charles on the new audio CD, The Love and Logic Classroom, where you both talked about limits. Something you said made it clear that testing and trying to stretch limits is a way kids check to assure themselves that the adults can, and will, provide physical and emotional safety."

 

"That’s right, but what was the connection you made?"

 

"Here it is, Jim. Now I have a different feeling each time my kids beg for things they shouldn't have, or when they try to test limits. I used to get frustrated, asking myself what I was doing wrong. I would also get mad at them. But that's all changed now."

 

"Well, what do you do now?"

 

"Here's what's so great, Jim. Now I tell myself that they are just checking to see if I still love them enough to provide limits. It's a totally different mindset. I still say, 'So what did I say?' when they test. But when I do, I feel like I'm giving them a gift. Thanks for all you do for us. I hope you and Charles keep churning out new CDs. I love listening to them when I drive."

 

Thanks for reading, and remember that the child's job is to test the limits, and your job is to enforce them.

 

Jim Fay