Love and Logic- Bullying: When Do We Step In?

When Do We Step In?
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic^® Experts

Jill and Harry were stumped. How could they help their son Will? They were not only heartbroken to know that their son was being bullied, but also confused about how to intervene.

 

Jill wanted to involve the school principal, and possibly the police, while Harry kept reminding her that their Love and Logic class taught the importance of kids solving their own problems.

 

Love and Logic is not a black and white, or cookbook theory for raising children. I often kid that even though the use of common sense is not on that precious "List of State Approved Programs," it still comes in handy when dealing with kids.

 

Yes, I agree that it's best for kids to solve their own problems whenever possible. And yes, I agree that sometimes we step in when the load might be a little too heavy for them to handle. Life is not an either/or proposition, and neither is Love and Logic.

 

If I were in Jill and Harry's shoes, I'd want to teach Will some techniques for standing up to the bully while at the same time putting the school and the authorities on notice to handle their end of the problem. I'd meet with the school personnel without Will's knowledge, if possible.

 

When talking with the school personnel I'd want to emphasize the importance of working with Will to help him develop new skills as well as asking that our meeting be confidential. I'd like Will to believe that a large part of the solution is in his hands.

 

Sally Ogden's book, "Words Will Never Hurt Me," is a great resource for helping kids learn to deal with the issues of teasing and bullying. Check it out on our web site.

 

Thanks for reading, and remember that the child's job is to test the limits, and your job is to enforce them.

 

Jim Fay

Zappos.com

 I need to mention how highly I think of the website zappos.com.  We live in an area with very little shopping, and my three year old son has feet that are wide and hard to fit.  I use zappos.com regularly, because I can find a variety of high quality styles even in the wide sizes, they are shipped to me quickly (often within a day or two, even with just their standard shipping!), AND they have free shipping both ways.  So, I can have him try on the shoes in the comfort of our home, and then return those that we don't like with no extra charges!   It is a great site with excellent service.  I highly recommend it!

65 Favorite Read- Aloud Books for Boys

Check out this great link for a list of 65 Read Alouds for boys!  Great ideas!

Books For Boys

Check out this great site for lists of Books For Boys!  Search by age, grade level, author, or theme.  What a great resource!  Books for Boys

U Promise College Savings

Have you ever heard of U-Promise?  It is a website that offers a few different approaches to getting money back on your purchases to use for your child's future education (or really, anything for that matter, since you can get the money back in cash!).  I use it when I shop online to earn cash back on purchases.  I set up an account on U Promise, and when I know I'm going to buy something online, I sign in there first and check to see if the retailer I am using offers a percentage back through U Promise.  Most retailers do, one major exception being Amazon.com.  So, I search for the retailer on U Promise, click to be linked to the retailer's website from there, and a percentage of my purchase is then credited back to my U Promise account!  Free money for a few extra clicks!  You can withdraw the money or have it linked to a 529 account.  They also offer a credit card that earns extra money back on all purchases too.  It's a pretty good deal for us online shoppers out there who don't mind our purchases being tracked.  Every little bit adds up for that big expensive education in the future!

Crazy 8- Great Kids' Site!

Yesterday I found another great kids' site for clothing!  I can't believe I had never heard of it before... Crazy 8.  I stumbled across a 20% off coupon in a Parenting magazine and checked it out.  It is a sister site to Gymboree, but has slightly better prices.  Right now they are having a great spring sale- I got some cute surfboard t shirts for the boys.

Shark-wear! Cute Shark Apparel for Little Boys

Sharks are all around this spring!  My little guys love them.  Here are some of the cute shark styles I have found:

Gap.com- Shark Swim Trucks












Gap.com- Colorful Shark T 













LL Bean- Shark Swim Trunks 













LL Bean- Shark Backpack 












Mini Boden- Shark Sweatshirt 














Mini Boden- Shark T















Gymboree- Shark Fin Baseball Hat 









Gymboree- Shark Plaid Patchwork Shorts 












Gymboree- Shark Friends T 










Gymboree- Hammerhead Shark Swim Trunks











Gymboree- Shark Boxer Briefs

Mini Ray Bans!

Did you know that Ray Ban sells adorable "little kid" sizes of their sunwear?  Check out the photo of my boys wearing their aviators on Easter!  Use the Ray Ban Store locator to find a location near you!!

Do You Have to Feel Guilty? Parenting With Love and Logic

Do You Have to Feel Guilty? Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts   Dear Parent,   Do you think the following parents ought to feel guilty for their actions?   Parent A:   I said to my teenage daughter, "I wash clothes that are placed in the hamper." They've been lying in a heap in her room…so she doesn't have anything else to wear except her least favorite outfits.   Parent B:   My son was getting more irritable and defiant every day. It seemed related to how much time he was spending playing his video games. I took the video games and told him that I loved him too much to see him getting so addicted to them.   Parent C:   My ten-year-old asked for a cell phone. I let her know that she could have one when she could afford the entire cost…including the data plan.   Parent D:   Our 23-year-old son was sitting around all day watching television. We told him that we were fine with him living with us for a while if he was doing his best to finish school or get a job. He continued to be so disrespectful and lazy that we asked him to leave.   What do you think? Should these parents feel guilty for what they've done? Do you have to feel guilty when you set and enforce reasonable limits with your kids?   Of course not!   The goal is to set these limits in ways that allow us to go to bed each night knowing the following:   I did it out of love. I did it with as much empathy as I could muster. I did it because I care more about my child’s long-term wellbeing than my own short-term emotions.   Regardless of how they might react, you never have to feel guilty about giving your kids the gift of loving limits. For more tips on setting these limits, listen to our audio: Love Me Enough to Set Some Limits.   Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.   Dr. Charles Fay

Developmental Exercises and Activities You Can Do At Home

The following is a list of developmental exercises you can do with your young child at home, helping improve their hand-eye coordination, motor development, bilateral movement, visual tracking, and size/shape/ spatial concepts:

-  wheelbarrow game (hold your child's legs and have them walk on their hands)
- puzzles
- wooden beads for stringing
- sorting shapes, colors, etc (put three cups in a row in front of your child an dhave them put buttons into one, pegs into the second, and balls into the third, or any variation thereof)
- bike and tricycle riding
- throw a balloon into the air and have them try to keep it from touching the ground
-  finger paints
- playdough
- living room bowling (roll a soft ball to knock down milk cartons or something similar)
- place a magnet on a string and hang it fromt he end of a stick-  have them fish for metal objects
- set the table
- hop on one foot
- blow bubbles
- try to pop bubbles with a chopstick
- hide and seek
- build a pattern with blocks- see if your child can complete the pattern
- cutting with safety scissors
- simple mazes
- ask, "What if you were....?  What do you think you would see?  Do?  Feel?"
-  have them pick up small objects with tweezers
- the Operation game
- match pictures to a past holiday or vacation
- legos and all building blocks
- practice jumping jacks
- practice marching, tapping one hand over the opposite knee while doing it
- memory games

Cute and Colorful Shark T Shirt

Check out this adorable, colorful shark t-shirt by gap.com!  One of the best t's I have seen so far this season.  (PS it is just as cute in person and my 5 year old was SO proud to wear it to school today!)

Symptoms of Vision Problems in School Aged Children

Did you know that one in four children has an undetected vision problem that can interfere with learning?  Here are some things to watch for that indicate a need for a complete eye exam (school screenings do not count!).

Vision problems can elicit a wide range of signs and symptoms. Some, like eyestrain or blurred vision, can usually be attributed directly to a vision dysfunction. Others, such as poor attention span at school, clumsiness in sports, or reduced productivity at work, may not immediately be recognized as possible signs of a vision problem. The following is a listing of common signs or symptoms of vision problems that indicate the need for a comprehensive vision exam by a knowledgable optometrist or eye care specialist:

Frequent headaches or eye strain

Blurring of distance or near vision, particularly after reading or other close work

Avoidance of close work or other visually demanding tasks

Turning of an eye in or out, up or down (even if only briefly)

Tendency to cover or close one eye, or favor the vision in one eye

Double vision

Difficulty following a moving target

Dizziness or motion sickness

Poor reading comprehension

Difficulty copying from one place to another

Loss of place, repetition, and/or omission of words while reading

Difficulty changing focus from distance to near and back

Excessive blinking or squinting

Can respond orally but cannot get the same information down on paper

Letter and word reversals

Difficulty judging sizes and shapes

Turns or tilts head to see

Uses finger to read

Poor hand-eye coordination,or bumps into things or drops things frequently

Boys Spring Pajamas Sales

The early warm weather this spring means that I get to put away the winter blanket pjs and start my bi-annual quest for inexpensive PJs a bit early.   Since the pajamas go through two boys at my house, I don't want ones that are going to fall apart on the first washing.  But I just can't bring myself to spend $20+ on clothes they are just going to sleep in either.  After a lot of searching last night, I did find a couple of good sales going on right now that bring the pjs down to the $10-$14 range (or less!).

Children's Place has some cute ones, including these dinosaur ones for $11.21.  They also have 25% off your order of $50 or more this weekend with coupon code Y6G2012.  If you don't want to spend quite that much, I also found a coupon code for 15% off your order- X6G2012.

Carters.com is having a good pj sale right now, with 50% off of their pajamas.  This makes the pajamas reasonable, but the real deal is you can use coupon code Spcr1 to get an additional 25% off of your purchase of $40 or more!!!  Now that makes their cute and quality pjs a GREAT deal!

Little Boys' Spring Neckties!

I spent some time looking for cute little boys' neckties tonight, and had the  best luck on www.etsy.com.  If you type in boy's tie, you will get thousands of cute results!  Below is the image of the one I ordered for Easter for my guys.  Etsy is a great website- cool resource for unique items from small businesses.   The "store" that I ordered this tie from was called The Little Gentleman's Closet.  Here is a link to their facebook page.

Rainbow Birthday Cake

 

I made this Rainbow Birthday Cake for my son's 5th birthday party. He loves art and colors, so it was a huge hit!  There are various recipes for this cake out there on the internet, but I took the easy way out.  I got 2 vanilla cake mix boxes from the grocery store, and six round cake pans. You'll want to make sure they are quality pans though- I tried it with cheap ones from the dollar store and ended up redoing everything because the cake layers would not come out of the pans despite greasing and flouring because they are so thin!  I found that the layers came out much more easily from the pans that were thicker and higher quality.  So, you make the cake mix and then divide the batter between the six pans evenly.  Add several drops of GEL food coloring, turning each pan one color.  It can't be regular food coloring if you want the vibrant colors, you need to get gel ones.  These can be found at most grocery stores, or otherwise online at Amazon.com.  Then bake (but keep a close eye on them since the layers are so thin!), cool, and layer with white frosting between each layer.  Enjoy!  It is so impressive when you cut into it!

Developing Emotional Intelligence in Young Boys

I feel very strongly about teaching our young boys to identify their emotions.  If they can understand their own emotions and learn to express them with words, they will have less frustration, greater empathy, and better relationships throughout life.  Unfortunately, there are a limited number of resources that I have found to help do this effectively with young children.  I like activities that are interactive, age appropriate, and fun!  If you have more to share, please let me know.  Here are the few I have found:

A pdf file from Vanderbilt with Teaching Emotions ideas




The book Glad Monster, Sad Monster by Anne Miranda and Ed Emberley







When My Worries Get Too Big!  An Interactive Book 






The Way I Feel by Janan Cain 






The Way I Feel book series 



You can also try cutting pictures out of magazines of people's faces, and talk about how you think each one is feeling by looking at their expression.

Why Are They Always Testing Our Limits? A Parenting Article by Love and Logic

I wanted to share a parenting email I received today from Love and Logic.  It fit my evening so well, as I walked into our home after a full day of work, only to find the crockpot meal I had so carefully prepared early this morning be the subject of a major meltdown (i.e. someone forgot to take out the mushrooms before serving it to the kids!).  Sometimes we need to remember to step back to look at the big picture- this little lesson helped me remember that.  Enjoy!

Are They Always Testing the Limits?
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic^® Experts

Dear Trisha,

 

Tammy glowed with excitement, rushing up to me minutes before the conference began.

 

"I made the greatest connection about why you teach us to neutralize our kids' arguing and begging. Even though I got good at saying, 'So what did I say?' And even though it worked well, I was still upset that I had to use it frequently. I kept thinking that if I just did it the right way, my own kids would just accept the limits I set for them. It irritated me that they would test the limits more than the kids in my classroom."

 

"So tell me about the connection," I said.

 

"I was listening to you and Charles on the new audio CD, The Love and Logic Classroom, where you both talked about limits. Something you said made it clear that testing and trying to stretch limits is a way kids check to assure themselves that the adults can, and will, provide physical and emotional safety."

 

"That’s right, but what was the connection you made?"

 

"Here it is, Jim. Now I have a different feeling each time my kids beg for things they shouldn't have, or when they try to test limits. I used to get frustrated, asking myself what I was doing wrong. I would also get mad at them. But that's all changed now."

 

"Well, what do you do now?"

 

"Here's what's so great, Jim. Now I tell myself that they are just checking to see if I still love them enough to provide limits. It's a totally different mindset. I still say, 'So what did I say?' when they test. But when I do, I feel like I'm giving them a gift. Thanks for all you do for us. I hope you and Charles keep churning out new CDs. I love listening to them when I drive."

 

Thanks for reading, and remember that the child's job is to test the limits, and your job is to enforce them.

 

Jim Fay

Stephen Joseph Rain Gear for Little Boys! Cute and Affordable.

I'm a little picky about rain jackets for my guys.  I don't want to spend a fortune on them, and I don't want them to be boring!  I think I finally found ones I like with the Stephen Joseph line, available at amazon.com.  Check out these adorable rainjackets for little boys, complete with accessories.

Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Monkey Raincoat 







Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Boys Rain Poncho 








Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Robot Rain Coat 





Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Robot Umbrella








Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Robot Rain Boots 







Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Pirate Rain Coat 






Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Pirate Rain Boots 






Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Pirate Umbrella








Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Sports Rain Coat   

Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Sports Rain Boots 







Amazon.com- Stephen Joseph Sports Umbrella

What Do You Do With the Clothes Your Kids Outgrow?

What do you do with the clothes your kids outgrow?  Leave them piled up in the basement?  Donate them?  Ebay them?  Have garage sales?  Or do you bring them to a children's resale store?  While I know that some of these strategies yield higher returns than others, to me, time is also important.  I have tried all of these methods at one point or another.  And yes, ebaying did bring in more money per item, but it was also very time consuming.  And there were lots of items that did not go.  I did garage sales- probably the most time consuming for me (although I'm sure some of you moms have this down to a science!).  But, very few people showed up the days I had my sales (two years in a row!), and I felt again that the time was not worth the money.

So, after trial and error, I have a system in place to move the clothes my boys have outgrown out of the basement in a timely manner that allows me to recoup at least some of their value. Here's how I do it.  First, I separate out the stuff that is really worn out- that gets donated off the bat.  Second, I pack up the stuff that is name brand or still has lots of life left to it (including shoes!), and I bring it to the resale store Once Upon a Child.  They go through it and pick what they want to "buy".  They offer either cash for your items, or will give you 10% more in-store credit.  I usually go the in-store credit route, as the store closest to us often has some nice things.  I pick up gently used clothes and toys.  I've gotten matching snowboards for my kids, a really big John Deer tractor, lego sets, Imaginext castles, new PJs, jeans, extra snowpants, and more!   In my mind, the money I've spent on the clothes is already gone and has served its purpose... anything I get in return is a great bonus!  It's fun to shop with "free" money.

The items that Once Upon a Child does not want (and there is usually a good pile left), I give to one our neighbors who has a boy younger than ours.  That way nothing is wasted, I haven't spent hours and hours on the process, I get what I can for the value that is left in the clothes, and then I get to help out a friend too.  It works for me.  What works for you?

Children's Supplements and Vitamins

I give my kids a multi-vitamin everyday.  Some parents claim that all you are doing is creating "expensive pee" with vitamins, but I have found my boys being less prone to serious illnesses, and even better behaved when they take their vitamins daily.  Other parents claim that you can get all of the vitamins and minerals your body needs by healthy eating.  My boys do eat very well (in fact, if you ask my 5 year old what his favorite food is, he'd tell you salad!), but the sad truth is that even healthy fruits and vegetables do not provide the high level of nutrients that they did several decades ago.  The overuse of our soil has depleted many of the nutrients that were once abundant.

When I look for vitamins, I look for ones that are of high quality.  The vitamin should dissolve purely- not break down into various "tar" products.  I also don't want added sugar in my vitamins.  I primarily use Shaklee vitamins for my kids.  I like their multi-vitamin/ mineral, but I also like their kids' DHA omega product.  It is a chewable square- wrapped individually so the kids feel like they are opening a treat!  The other brand that I have tried and would also recommend is the Animal Parade line.  The nice thing about their line is that they have a variety of "extra" supplements to choose from, so if you feel your child is deficient in one area, you can give them extra of just that type.   Below are links to both product lines.


Shaklee Incredivites 












Shaklee Mighty Smart- DHA Chews












Shaklee Baby Multi Vitamin and Mineral Powder
(dissolves and can be used for infants and toddlers who are not ready for a tablet)










Nature's Plus Animal Parade Multi Vit

Nature's Plus Animal Parade D3  

Nature's Plus Animal Parade Vitamin C  

Nature's Plus Animal Parade Calcium Supplement  

Nature's Plus Animal Parade Baby Plex Multi Vitamin  

Ride On Fun!

It's a good thing we have hard wood floors in our house... we constantly have ride on toys zipping around!  Little  boys are in constant motion, and indoor and outdoor ride on toys help them get out all of their energy!  Below are some fun ones to consider (although some of them may need to be limited to the outdoors!)



Plasma Cars









Okiedog Fropper (great for toddlers- ages 2-3)












Power Wheels Fisher Price Arctic Cat













Radio Flyer Big Flyer









Zipfy Winter Fun!

Kettler CAT Kid Tractor











Kettler Cat Front Loader and Backhoe